The Awakening

To say my life has taken a turn is putting it quite mildly. Over the last month I have experienced perfect bliss, extreme pain, illness, dis-ease, sadness, loneliness, fear and a greater awareness of love and compassion. All these exist within me. My physical being continues on its finite path of growing older yet I have awaken something dormant, something that has been there all along, but stuffed deep inside, buried under all the superficial pain and suffering, fear and longing. My soul, my spirit, my inner most aliveness. I have tapped into a wellspring of emotions and feelings and have made a safe place for these not so friendly parts of me. I have opened myself up to being mindful of all my surroundings, each moment as it unfolds, for good or bad. I have found a calmness that has long since eluded me. Through my practice and the teachings I have the tools to be content. I have found a silence that screams loudly yet does not break the peacefulness in my mind and heart. I am learning to make peace with my inner child, my fears, doubts and longings.

As my life unfolds in this new awareness, I am utilizing as many tools as I have available to try to incorporate this into my life. The silent movements of T’ai Chi, the quietness and inner searching of my meditation practice, taking in the beautiful world in my own back yard, all these are teaching me in their own way. The suffering of an illness way beyond my control and acknowledging the fears that it brought. The courage to put my unraveling life into the hands of caring professionals and friends who nursed me back to health, each in their own way. For all these things I have a grateful heart.

Everything that will happen today, that is happening in this moment, will all be gone tomorrow with just an imprint on my memory that will soon fade away into that which was my life, my past. I no longer need to make those memories, my past, my current life’s story or influence my path. They are just experiences that I have had, today is a new day, tomorrow is unknown, so I choose to live in this moment and make myself the best I can be for this moment, this day.

It is hard at times when I am bombarded with outside negativity on a constant basis. Some of these influences I can turn off, like the TV and social media. Others are present and part of my daily life and I am learning to listen with one ear and hear the lessons of my teachers with the other. I have chosen to stop internalizing those negative influences as this is like a cancer eating at my very inner most being, it is poison to my spirit which wishes to be free and happy. I am brought back to this moment by my puppy who sees me as perfect in all lights. He lives a simple life, happy just to get scratches, play, eat and sleep. Ah…to have such a simple life.

This is a second, third, maybe forth chance at this life. I have messed it up so many times before. I listen, learn, practice and then as time goes on… as life presents itself, I allow myself to get drawn back into the haste and forget to take care of myself and I end up in the same situation over and over again, with the same results. Some people call that insanity. So, as always, this new awakening I am incorporating into my “new life”. My intention this time is to cultivate it, nurture it and feed it on a daily basis with silence and practice. I choose to separate myself from the expectations of those around me that would love for me to be sucked back up into the games. This has to be about me this time and that needs to remain my constant focus. I don’t know if I’ll get another chance at another “do over”.

Enjoying the Sun Melt

I’m sitting on my back deck, a warm breeze full of hot earth and warm leaves awakens my senses. I watch as the dragon flies dart about doing their acrobatics in the evening sky. I am counting my breaths in and out as I sit in silence with only the sounds of the river and rustling of the tiny aspen tree leaves.

My mind wanders off on empty thoughts, then no thoughts at all. I sit up straighter and soften my gaze into the slowly melting sun.

The sky fills with bright oranges, fiery reds and the truest purples. The crimson and gold silhouette the mountains on the horizon and reflect back up to the heavens on the water.

A blanket of blue creeps up from behind slowly consuming the brilliant colors. A breeze rustles the aspens again and I am brought back from my infinite gaze into the melting day, welcoming the night and all it’s calmness.

The crickets and tree frogs begin their symphony welcoming the cool stillness of night. The melting sun gives off one last burst of intense color and surrenders to the approaching night. She reaches up from below the horizon with her thin light fingers and pulls the night across the sky. Good night All… sleep well until morning.

When Life Deals You Lemons

In the last six months life hasn’t been exactly easy. The stresses of being a business owner for 16 years have taken its toll on me both mentally and physically. My dream of being retired and traveling died out in flames as the buyer for our business fell through. Shame on me for wanting to believe until the end.

So let’s fast forward to June. I have been battling with bouts of depression, I believe is mostly stress related. I found it increasingly difficult to control emotional outbursts. I became increasingly more angry at everything it seemed. I was caught in a spiral that I no longer had control over. I no longer had the tools in my life to deal with any of this. To say I was a ticking time bomb is to put it mildly.

We worked it out that I would go to part time. Only work in the back with the new cars coming in. Not dealing with customers that I hate. I found that the very lifeblood of our business, people buying cars, was sending me into fits of rage. Some of my employees were constantly pissing me off and when I came down on them, they would run to my partner and exaggerate what happened, making it all my issues and none of theirs. It was time for me to step aside.

My life is needing an overhaul. I sat down and wrote two lists: one of tasks around the house that had been neglected and the other what I was gonna do for Me to change my life. The second list was the most vital. In order for me to climb out of this deep dark, lonely hole I find myself in, I have to develop tools that will balance my core, my very soul. I am sick, emotionally and spiritually. I have given up every ounce of my being to survive day to day. Over kill? Trust me… I am on some serious shaky ground that scares even myself.

The week all this came to a head, two prominent figures committed suicide. Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. Both, like myself, have it made. They have all the money one could wish for. Fame and notoriety didn’t buy them happiness. They died slow painful deaths emotionally then ended their torture by taking their physical lives. It saddens me that an act so permanent… so selfish… was their only way out of the silent, torturous lives they were living. So I reached out for help.

Admitting that your life is out of control to those around you is tough. Some look on you as flawed. Others avoid you. Some tell you it’s all in your head, you have a great life. Perhaps this is why we suffer in silence. Being pushed aside, avoided, told to get over it, is not helpful. It drives us deeper into our own silence and demons. At wits end we seek out medication to hopefully balance out our “chemical imbalance”. Some little pill that will stop our uncontrolled outbursts. I’ll be the first to admit that I need a little help in the meantime, while I find myself again. While I find the balance in my life.

So my life has dealt me lemons… right now I want to squish them and throw them at all the people I blame for my feeling this way. Hopefully, in the near future, I will be able to make lemonade and sit back and slowly enjoy it.

Winter Escape

Sometimes, in the cold gray winter months I need to get away. If I can get into the sun, feel the warm sun on my bare arms and breathe clean air… I can recharge my depleted batteries with a little solar energy. Where does one go to accomplish such a task without a full on vacation? Well for me it’s a quick trip to Phoenix Arizona.

It’s something about the desert. Something that draws me in. Something about the solitude one can find in the desert. In an environment as harsh as the desert, one can fill the batteries indeed. All time seems to stand still. Everything around me is in a state of suspended animation. Even in the winter months each tiny plant struggles to eek out an existence in this beautiful but deadly landscape.

I can drift off for hours without noticing time’s passage. My mind empties of all pressing matters, if only for a reserved amount of time. Soon enough I will make my home in such a place.

What’s in a Word?

Is it me or have any of you thought that there are certain words in the English language that are “strange”, “funny” or just downright not right?  At times I will be writing and a word just doesn’t look right.  The thought I am trying to convey I just can’t find the right word for.  It makes me chuckle at myself and the word.  I’m not talking big college words… just normal everyday words.  Not the words that someone uses and you have to look it up because you can’t even begin to fathom what the author is trying to say… no matter in what context it is used.

We have so many descriptive words… I would wage more than just about any other language out there.  Even with these descriptive words that range from describing a touch, feeling, sight or sound… I hear so many times any number of four letter words used instead of any of the thousands of descriptive ones.  Sad… and I must chuckle again.  I find when I am writing I want to sound so sophisticated, so schooled… but why?  Isn’t it enough to describe an incredible sunset as such?  There are so many other words like magnificent, wonderful, marvelous, spectacular, phenomenal, prodigious, breathtaking, extraordinary, unbelievable, amazing, stunning, astounding, astonishing, awe-inspiring, staggering, formidable, impressive, supreme, great, awesome, superhuman, fantastic, terrific, tremendous, stupendous, mind-boggling, mind-blowing, jaw-dropping, out of this world, far out, or wondrous! Who’s ever seen a prodigious sunset? Even with all these words do any really describe the awesomeness of nature?

oxford-english-dictionary-websters-third-new-international-dictionary-e1467149649706How about words like wife? A simple word that describes a person that is married to another but a silly word in my mind. Ass?… a donkey, a part of the body, someone incredibly rude, something to get a “piece of…”, a fool… another funny word.  Did you know that according to the Oxford English Dictionary: there are full entries for 171,476 words in current use, and 47,156 obsolete words. To this may be added around 9,500 derivative words included as sub-entries. How does a word become obsolete? Some claim there are almost a million words in the English language… does this include the “obsolete” ones?

I must admit I used to sit down with one of the Mirriam-Webster Dictionary when I was a kid and read words and meanings so I would know lots of words I would probably never use… sounds like a boring childhood now… oh an when did Mirriam get tacked onto Webster? Is she his wife?!?  Chuckle