When Life Deals You Lemons

In the last six months life hasn’t been exactly easy. The stresses of being a business owner for 16 years have taken its toll on me both mentally and physically. My dream of being retired and traveling died out in flames as the buyer for our business fell through. Shame on me for wanting to believe until the end.

So let’s fast forward to June. I have been battling with bouts of depression, I believe is mostly stress related. I found it increasingly difficult to control emotional outbursts. I became increasingly more angry at everything it seemed. I was caught in a spiral that I no longer had control over. I no longer had the tools in my life to deal with any of this. To say I was a ticking time bomb is to put it mildly.

We worked it out that I would go to part time. Only work in the back with the new cars coming in. Not dealing with customers that I hate. I found that the very lifeblood of our business, people buying cars, was sending me into fits of rage. Some of my employees were constantly pissing me off and when I came down on them, they would run to my partner and exaggerate what happened, making it all my issues and none of theirs. It was time for me to step aside.

My life is needing an overhaul. I sat down and wrote two lists: one of tasks around the house that had been neglected and the other what I was gonna do for Me to change my life. The second list was the most vital. In order for me to climb out of this deep dark, lonely hole I find myself in, I have to develop tools that will balance my core, my very soul. I am sick, emotionally and spiritually. I have given up every ounce of my being to survive day to day. Over kill? Trust me… I am on some serious shaky ground that scares even myself.

The week all this came to a head, two prominent figures committed suicide. Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade. Both, like myself, have it made. They have all the money one could wish for. Fame and notoriety didn’t buy them happiness. They died slow painful deaths emotionally then ended their torture by taking their physical lives. It saddens me that an act so permanent… so selfish… was their only way out of the silent, torturous lives they were living. So I reached out for help.

Admitting that your life is out of control to those around you is tough. Some look on you as flawed. Others avoid you. Some tell you it’s all in your head, you have a great life. Perhaps this is why we suffer in silence. Being pushed aside, avoided, told to get over it, is not helpful. It drives us deeper into our own silence and demons. At wits end we seek out medication to hopefully balance out our “chemical imbalance”. Some little pill that will stop our uncontrolled outbursts. I’ll be the first to admit that I need a little help in the meantime, while I find myself again. While I find the balance in my life.

So my life has dealt me lemons… right now I want to squish them and throw them at all the people I blame for my feeling this way. Hopefully, in the near future, I will be able to make lemonade and sit back and slowly enjoy it.

Winter Escape

Sometimes, in the cold gray winter months I need to get away. If I can get into the sun, feel the warm sun on my bare arms and breathe clean air… I can recharge my depleted batteries with a little solar energy. Where does one go to accomplish such a task without a full on vacation? Well for me it’s a quick trip to Phoenix Arizona.

It’s something about the desert. Something that draws me in. Something about the solitude one can find in the desert. In an environment as harsh as the desert, one can fill the batteries indeed. All time seems to stand still. Everything around me is in a state of suspended animation. Even in the winter months each tiny plant struggles to eek out an existence in this beautiful but deadly landscape.

I can drift off for hours without noticing time’s passage. My mind empties of all pressing matters, if only for a reserved amount of time. Soon enough I will make my home in such a place.

What’s in a Word?

Is it me or have any of you thought that there are certain words in the English language that are “strange”, “funny” or just downright not right?  At times I will be writing and a word just doesn’t look right.  The thought I am trying to convey I just can’t find the right word for.  It makes me chuckle at myself and the word.  I’m not talking big college words… just normal everyday words.  Not the words that someone uses and you have to look it up because you can’t even begin to fathom what the author is trying to say… no matter in what context it is used.

We have so many descriptive words… I would wage more than just about any other language out there.  Even with these descriptive words that range from describing a touch, feeling, sight or sound… I hear so many times any number of four letter words used instead of any of the thousands of descriptive ones.  Sad… and I must chuckle again.  I find when I am writing I want to sound so sophisticated, so schooled… but why?  Isn’t it enough to describe an incredible sunset as such?  There are so many other words like magnificent, wonderful, marvelous, spectacular, phenomenal, prodigious, breathtaking, extraordinary, unbelievable, amazing, stunning, astounding, astonishing, awe-inspiring, staggering, formidable, impressive, supreme, great, awesome, superhuman, fantastic, terrific, tremendous, stupendous, mind-boggling, mind-blowing, jaw-dropping, out of this world, far out, or wondrous! Who’s ever seen a prodigious sunset? Even with all these words do any really describe the awesomeness of nature?

oxford-english-dictionary-websters-third-new-international-dictionary-e1467149649706How about words like wife? A simple word that describes a person that is married to another but a silly word in my mind. Ass?… a donkey, a part of the body, someone incredibly rude, something to get a “piece of…”, a fool… another funny word.  Did you know that according to the Oxford English Dictionary: there are full entries for 171,476 words in current use, and 47,156 obsolete words. To this may be added around 9,500 derivative words included as sub-entries. How does a word become obsolete? Some claim there are almost a million words in the English language… does this include the “obsolete” ones?

I must admit I used to sit down with one of the Mirriam-Webster Dictionary when I was a kid and read words and meanings so I would know lots of words I would probably never use… sounds like a boring childhood now… oh an when did Mirriam get tacked onto Webster? Is she his wife?!?  Chuckle