Waging War

I grew up in a time of segregation…discrimination.

A time when I learned to hate for no reason.

Where everyone I knew was the same color as me.

The adults so stuck in their small minds of the time.

Crosses burning in a young black child’s mind.

What a fucked up world we live in

“The times they are a changin’” used to play on the air

Let it Be…imagine… and so I did

I imagined the love and peace of these songs.

Chanted and cheered about love.

As I watched friends die from a “war” no one wanted to talk about

Sending brothers and sisters into hell as parents weeped.

It was a war waged… man against man … brother against brother.

While In the streets of our home…

the black man weeps.

Gays die of AIDS.

What a fucked up world we live in.

Our politicians that act as if they were gods…

Play Russian roulette with the little mans lives.

“We speak for the people” they lie through their teeth… as the poor man struggles to get on his feet.

What a fucked up world we live in

We’ve now grown older and wiser we think.

We now see things

our parents choose not to see.

Their whole damn lives…

taking a back seat to the man.

Polluting rivers and seas with oil brought from the ground, plastic and toxic waste.

Burning fuels that are so carcinogenic…we…once again suffer from their mistakes.

Guns and mass shootings are a thing these days?!?

What a fucked up world we live in

There’s a fire burning though…

From the kids down below…

who now watch their friends die.

afraid to go to school?!?

Think they’ll sit back and watch?!

Don’t bet on it Jack!

These kids are on fire and will be cleaning house soon enough.

Forward thinkers, motivated activists, kids that refuse to take no for an answer.

This is the army now fighting the war that their parents refuse to believe in…

turn a blind eye to.

As the children sit back and cry.

What a fucked up world we live in.

Continue

In a dream, the most intense dream I’ve had in some time, I saw Happiness and Serenity waiting at the crossroads. I walked up and questioned each.

I first questioned Happiness. How can one experience all you have to offer?

Happiness smiled and replied… First one must relinquish their clinging to the past… second one must surrender their negativity… third, one must listen to the joy that exists within, that which no one can take from you.

I pondered the advice and turned to Serenity and asked the same. How can one find serenity?

Serenity replied in a soft assuring voice… one must learn to let go of that which doesn’t serve them… to become vulnerable… one must sit with oneself and dig deep to find forgiveness.

Again, I pondered the words spoken.

I sat at the crossroad… quietly contemplating the meaning of each response to my longing for both.

Tears of anger became tears of forgiveness

Thoughts of self-destruction… became thoughts of peace and love

Feelings of helplessness and deep sadness, became feelings of joy and faith.

My mind reeled

My heart wept silently as it slowly melted

I retreated deeply

I spoke gently to the tribe

As much as I am grateful to each of you

Each of you allowed me to survive

Each of you have your place

Each of you is loved

Each of you has lived through unspeakable horrors

I am not giving up on you, I am grateful for each of you… but it is time for us all to heal

Life is too short and too precious

Today I must make a choice for all of us

Today I must begin to give up behavior that is not conducive to our health… to turn away from that which has become comfortable and take a chance

Today I must dig deep and allow myself, all of us, to become vulnerable and become brave.

To forgive those which I despise with conviction

To live in the warm glow of love and compassion

To shed the tears of cleansing.

Today I stand at the crossroad of life… my life. A choice needs to be made.

J

The Breaking Point

I woke up this morning

Tears in my eyes

The dream was so real

But was it a dream?

We are living in a time

Where close physical contact

Can be deadly

A hug… a handshake…

A kiss… could seal your fate.

In my dream

I went away

Traveled to distant lands

But all the while…

my heart ached

Never again was there to be human contact

Never again could I lay my head on shoulders and weep

Never again could I connect in a hug

Never again could I gather with friends and laugh

In my dream

Fear runs the world

Man afraid of man

No matter where I went

It was all the same

How can such a world exist?

How can people continue to exist?

People cry heavy tears

A woman holds her dead child

Children hold their dead parents

Hundreds burned like logs

The apocalypse?

A sinister unseen death hangs over the land

It randomly chooses its next victims

It is uncaring and doesn’t discriminate

Old, young, teens and anyone in between

It has robbed us of our freedoms

How can we live without touch?

How can new love begin?

Babies born that lie in plastic boxes

Not able to feel human touch

Mankind cries silently in their protected spaces

Fear gripping their very souls

I fear we are near the breaking point.

 

A Child’s Story…

Once upon a time. In a far away land. A land of magic and whimsy. Where dragons fly threw the sky. Animals of the forest, rivers and seas all had voices and stories

One day Otter came upon a small human child. What was a human child doing in the forest she thought. Otter took the child and ran off to the wise old owl. The owl told Otter that she had the motherly instinct and human children need to play and she should take the child as her own.

One day an evil witch came to the forest and saw the child. A rage came over the witch and she took the child from Otter and began to consume her piece by piece. The animals of the forest, rivers and sea saw what was happening and summoned up all their mental powers and caused the witch to turn to stone. The final words the witch uttered was a curse that would haunt the child for the rest of her life.

None of the animals could come up with a solution and the child was plagued with dreams and hallucinations that would throw her into fits. Finally one day she broke into a hundred pieces and scattered on the ground. The animals were unable to save her and they all mourned the loss of this sweet young innocent child.

A hawk flying overhead saw the pieces and heard the sad thoughts and flew off to the vast desert where he found the elephant. The wise old elephant heard the story and contemplated his answer carefully. What seemed like an eternity passed then elephant spoke up and said one word LOVE.

You must all get together and work together with each of your powers and surround this child with all your love. There is strength and great power in love but you must believe with all your heart you can do this. One of you will have to give the ultimate sacrifice of your own life for this child needs a heart. The witch stole her heart and left her filled with echos and torments…horrors no child should endure.

The hawk flew back to the tribe and told them what the elephant had seen in his vision and how they could bring the child back and break the spell. But one of you must give your life to show your love and give your heart to this child. Her heart was stolen by the witch and she will remain tormented without a new loving heart.

Otter stepped up without thought, compelled by her deep love for this child. I have felt the deep sorrow of this child, I have comforted her fears at night and sat with her when she was not well. My heart is already with her. At that point Otter plunged a knife deep into her chest and took out her heart and blessed the child and died.

All the animals of the forest, rivers and seas saw the compassion of the Otter, all put the pieces of the child and the heart of the Otter and formed a tight circle and began to hum.

A whirlwind picked up the pieces and carried them into the sky. The animals continued their vigilance and continued to pour out all the compassion and love they held.

Days later a sleeping child appeared back in the forest as the animals slept. She walked to each and entered their dreams. She told each of them that it was the love and compassion that freed her from this spell. She owed them each her life. The noise and echos, the horrors and nightmares had vanished. In her beat the heart of the Otter and she would learn to nurture herself as Otter did. This would be her promise for the life given.

My”self”

So fragile am I… I don’t even exist. I’ve fought for my being… alive, vibrant. I hold a place on this earth, a marker of an empty shell, only now willing to be… to exist. Not to defend my”self” any longer… but to recover and heal… to risk opening my heart. The small chamber that holds it safe so I thought. A Pandora’s box… a myriad of thoughts, jumbled emotions… a small girl wanting to live. Walk through this door with me, guide me, keep me safe and don’t run away when I breakdown. Just love me and tell me it will be all right… I’ll believe you… I’ve always believed someone. The path is hard… but I am harder, I’m still here aren’t I? My tears may be endless but my resolve even more. I want to believe… I want to exist and no longer defend… my “self”

Day Six: What’s it All About?

If I hadn’t cried enough this week the whole room was a heaving sea of sobbing bodies. The final meditation was on forgiveness. It’s been really hard for me to say I’m sorry…sincerely. My apologies have always been empty and sarcastic.

Today I was forced to examine my part in the harm I’ve caused. The last few months have probably been very difficult for those around me. Today I owned my part in the pain I have unintentionally and intentionally inflicted on those around me. I have forgiven those who have intentionally and unintentionally hurt me. My heart has been released from the heavy chains of resentment and hurt.

As in every sitting we invited those close to us into our heart space and loved them, then those who have passed on and our ancestors into the heart and wrapped them in love. Then, the hardest was to bring in those who have caused us harm and forgave them for what they have done…of the 85 people in the room, including the teachers, there was not a dry eye in the hall.

We closed our session with a dharma talk and prayer for our departed friends, family and others. We had been putting together a small alter in their memory. I wrote a small note about Faye. She would have loved the transformation I have made this week. I thought about her quite often and she accompanied me through my down times as she used to do when she was still with us. I feel that I have finally grieved for her one last time and after five years she is now in a soft place in my heart and a guiding force in my life.

The day ended with our silence being released. Hugs were exchanged and well wishes given. The 85 people I spent these intimate last 6 days with will be indelibly etched into my life, even though I may never meet them again. We shared something so intimate in our individual silence. I have walked away with a felling of community and love. Compassion for life and a love for all beings, most importantly, myself!

Day Five: Serenity Awaits

This morning’s meditation was full of thoughts I couldn’t control no matter how deeply I breathed. I thought about how I am enjoying the slow down, giving myself a well deserved break from the busy life I lead. I thought about all I have learned this week and how it’s mine alone. I thought about how I wished that my girlfriend could share in this peace with me but this is my journey. I thought about my crazy puppy and how his energy and smile can pick me up on my darkest days. I thought about my new understanding of my anger and depression and how alone I feel. I felt a belonging in this path I’m on and how I hunger for more Dharma talks and Metta. I became aware of the silence and how rewarding it is to just sit quietly in meditation. Then, all at once, love and peace as I placed my hand on my heart and took a deep breath.

Mindfulness is becoming aware of all of these things. It’s a way to dig deep and understand, own and learn to live with everything inside me and around me. It’s a way to step back when I feel that anger, be aware of it before I spontaneously combust. It’s a way to deal with, identify and embrace my sadness and depression. It allows a deeper appreciation of all things, kinda like living life in macro. It’s about internalizing the Metta and the Dharma and learning to be kind to myself and those around me. It’s a source of peace and serenity I have longed for for a very long time, I was just too busy to notice.

This practice of Mindfulness strengthens as I practice here in this container of love and likemindedness. The internal peace I feel grows deeper each day and is consuming and comforting. I am determined to hold this peace and love once I re-enter the world. I need to remember all I have been taught and continue my practice daily. For this effort…serenity awaits.