
Heart Speak


May I reflect outwardly…
what my heart and mind feel inwardly.
May I find peace in all my actions…
so that those around be lulled into bliss
May my actions display
the inner connectedness of body, speech and mind.
May whatever words I choose
be kind and meaningful…
so that I not do harm.
May my thoughts be virtuous…
so my actions be beneficial in someway.
May all beings, big and small, find immense joy in life today… so that they may find a moment of serenity in their daily struggles.

Just for today…
May I revel in the innocence of my inner child
May I look at the world with wonder and amazement
May I summit every obstacle with the ease of a trained athlete
May a calm mind and steady determination bring me and those around me joy
May I always remember to be kind in my actions and words
Just for today…

The fun part of traveling is culture and how it effects everything from the architecture to the music.
We landed in Edinburgh on Sunday and were picked up by some friends we met in Nepal and have stayed in touch with for the last 4 years. The internet makes the world so small and staying in touch so easy. Ivy and Leo made us feel right at home and put us up for the night. The next day we were escorted into Edinburgh by our new found tour guide and treated to a lovely history lesson.



We next picked up our camper van and headed out on new roads in a new country. Off to Perth for a quick walk-about and to admire the beautiful city which seemed abandoned vs Edinburgh. I felt a bit of sadness for the shops and owners, but I am a foreigner so what do I know.



We have traveled today to Inverness for another overnight on our way to the NC 500, a ring road around Scotlands most northern coastline. Ancient coastal cities of Highland Scots and Viking cities of old. We are hoping for fair weather travel and not so narrow and windy roads.


One of the best things to do when in these wonderful lands is to enjoy the local pubs and a bit of the local folk music. Dance and sing if you choose to do so. So much history and heart in each song. A fun way to end a long days travel.


It’s been a good day except for the 2 hours of driving. The countryside is gorgeous. The famous rock walls are now covered in a thick coat of green.

The roads are narrow and the means to an end if you want to see the small towns and castle/church ruins dotting the landscape.

Our choice of a van, the same size as our old van, was a good one at the time. Our driving skills are good but to combine the small rural roads, driving on the side of the road unfamiliar to us, a right hand drive and a stick shift, and we are like fish out of water.

It’s been a month since we said farewell to Gandaulf. I still have moments in the day when my eyes fill with tears and the words get stuck in throat. Times when all I want is to feel his thick, soft fur between my fingers, and smell his musky odor. At night I swear sometimes he is still there at the bottom of the bed snoring. Of course I sit with the feelings, let the tears fall and, like the clouds in a blue sky, it passes and I am left in the present moment…to move on.

We continue to sell off all our possessions and donated 4 big boxes of women’s clothing to the women’s shelter and odds and ends to the DI. Our shed is becoming more and more vacant everyday. Getting rid of “stuff” is fun, freeing and terrifying all at the same time. What I want to get rid of, Chris thinks we might need someday and sometime visa versa. No matter we settle and the item stays or goes and we move on to the next.
We have started our trial packs. It takes almost as many clothes to be gone for a week long vacation as it does to pack for a year. Save a nice outfit for the occasional fancy dinner or cafe hopping, a few more necessities for hiking or swimming, and an extra pair of shoes…they make a thing called a washer and dryer, so…just like at home, you still need to stop for a domestic goddess day.

The farewells continue almost daily. I have hooked up with some healers that are concocting some plant medicines for me to continue my journey of good mental health and a balance of mind and body. It’s been almost six months since I went cold turkey on anti-depressants and entered the world of good, wholesome plant based medicines. The journey has had its ups and downs, but I am a whole new person, not better, just changed and more energized and grounded.
Between this change and my spiritual endeavors, I have broken through the ancient fortress built around my heart and mind, and found a strong, safe foundation to build a new life on. Yes I have many small tears left on my heart, but I am free from this old baggage and free to build a new adventure in loving kindness and peace.

It has begun…today we officially sold our Adventure Van, SleepyTurtle. The UTV and trailer got sold to a friend we’ve been selling cars to forever. All of our toys and our “home” have gone to good homes. This we are happy about. The universe has been at play in the last 3 months.


As sad as it was to loose Gandaulf, we were in the right place…not in Baja. His death was the beginning of the avalanche of change in our lives. Our entire lives have been geared around Gandaulf, so when he went over the rainbow bridge, we felt a great loss and confusion.
This entire week has been all about getting back on our feet, liquidating everything and getting on with our new chapter of life. Mornings are getting easier, and we are beginning to accept whatever has happened as our path. It’s bucking against things as they come up, that causes us discomfort. As we listen and pay attention to the signs, being aware of the subtle nuances of our daily life, things fall into place. Things that seemed insurmountable.


Farewells have also begun this week. This is where I struggle. We have touched so many new lives, and made so many new friends over the last 3 years which may not seem like that big of a deal to some but for Chris and I, we never have been able to develop friendships outside of work. Now we’ve connected on a deeply personal maybe even spiritual level, and unknowingly influenced their lives by just being ourselves. This for me is a gift. It is exceedingly difficult to connect with people at a meaningful level these days, perhaps due to mistrust and social media…Or maybe the later makes it easier? These special relationships will never go away, and there is no such thing as “goodbye” in our book.
May 6, 2023 will be our new adventure start date. Until then, the universe has our backs.
Love to all of you. J
It’s 2am
It’s me, Gandaulf asleep at my side, and dad.
The sound of mantras drift through the air lowly summoning courage
Courage to face the unknown
The sound of breathing machines tick and buzz
Each breath, labored.
The elixir of comfort,
Administered by an angel
Release from the bondage of machine
A broken vessel
In the silence of the night
Let go
You’re not alone dad
We are all here.
I watch
Each breath labored
I’ll hold your hand
Till you let go and slip
Off into the peace of death
1/23/22
I want to step in front of a runaway train
just to feel alive again.
Something dead has taken refuge in my soul
Something dark and old fearful of the light
I long to see the light again
To feel the release
The warmth
To see clearly again
I reach inside
Bend to touch the ground
My fingers meet the warm earth
Like a tree my fingers become roots
The darkness falters
The thawing of my heart begins
I stretch to the sky
Fingers splayed open
Reaching
Reaching for whatever will channel into me
The suns warmth tickle my fingers, then my hands
A low cry finds my throat
Release
Releasing its darkness
Surrendering
Like little sparks of energy
Eventually kindle a flame
I release
I surrender
My body becomes charged
Warmed by the sun
One with the universe
Rooted in the Mother
Accepting
Acceptance of the whole
My will
My life force begins to course
Life seeps into every dark crack and crevice
A glow
The glow of life once again
It kindles and grows
I am alive
This too will pass
Let the healing begin
JA
It was an enchanting day and the child woke up feeling quite energized. The nights chill still hung around in the trees and bushes. The child stretched to the sky and sighed. What new things will I encounter today, the child thought.
She picked a few flowers and a ripe apple from her favorite tree, and set off on her walk through the woods. She had made a special request to sit with the wise old owl. She had so many questions, but one, in particular, was of dire importance. She bit into the crisp, tart apple and added a bit of a hurry to her stride.
The sun had peeked above the mountains and the clouds hung tight to the tops. The mountains were ablaze with a patchwork of colors. Bright yellows, crimson reds, intense oranges, all scattered throughout the green of the forever trees. Forever trees never loose their color or shed their coat of leaves. The birds and insects began to buzz about with the warming of the day.
The child passed the otter’s den and saw she was busily collecting moss and twigs to insulate her home for the winter. She waved and they exchanged a smile, then set off towards the wise old owl’s treehouse.
The day wore on, the sun climbed high in the sky, creating shafts of brilliant light that filtered through the canopy of trees. The child was beginning to tire when suddenly a black and white burro appeared.
“You look like you’ve been walking forever”, noted the burro.
“Yes, since the sun came up”, answered the child.
“Where might those little legs be taking you” asked the burro?
“I have an audience with the wise old owl. I have many questions I want to ask him. He is the oldest and wisest of all the forest creatures”, the child told the burro with delight in her eyes as she spoke.
“I don’t have anything too pressing to do today. Would you like a ride to his treehouse”, offered the burro?
“That would be so kind of you”, and the child slipped onto the burro’s back and off they went.
The child began to tell the burro all the wonderful things she’s learned from her animal friends. She told him of her sorrows and delights and all the things she’s discovered since she came to live at the edge of the forest. How she was special and deeply loved. The burro plodded along slow and quiet, listening with great interest.
After some time, walking quietly, the forest opened up and a huge tree stood in the middle. The most magnificent tree you could imagine. The shafts of light illuminated the tree as if on display. Half way up the tree was a wooden door that led into the enormous trunk. This was the home of the wise old owl.
The child graciously thanked the burro and hugged him tightly. She then began to climb the enormous tree. This posed no problem to the child, she had always climbed trees to get away from her worries, and she was good at it. She climbed and climbed until she stood at the old wooden door. She gently knocked on the door and it slowly opened and the owl flew out without a sound and landed on the branch where the child sat.
“Good day child”, spoke the owl in a gentle but powerful voice.
“Good day Mr Owl”, the child said politely. “I have come to ask you so many questions”, stated the child. “Otter told me that you would be able to answer them all”, squealed the child.
The owl moved closer and put his huge feathered wing around the child and told her to ask away. The child began to speak, each question more involved than the last. The owl was taken back by the curiosity of the child. “And now, for the most important question”, stated the child.
“Well my my young one, where do all these queries come from”, asked the owl?
“I dream the most wonderful dreams”, answered the child.
The child went on to explain that she had noticed that when the days grow shorter, and the trees come into their best colorful show, the tall mountains are always covered in clouds. Why?
The owl summoned the hawk and told him to take the child to the tall mountains so she could see for herself. Needing to know, the child climbed onto the hawks back and he began to ride the thermal currents, round and round, until they reached the clouds on the mountain. The hawk found one of the big ram sheep that live on the mountain and deposited the child at his feet.
The ram stood taller than the child but had a kind demeanor and soft brown eyes. His white coat was thick and curly and his horns were curled tight around the sides of his head. He looked frightening and yet so cuddly, the child jumped up and gave him a huge hug.
“What brings you so high into the mountains my child?” asked the ram.
The child began to tell the ram all about the owl and her questions. She told him that she was told to go to the top of the mountains with the hawk to find the answer to the one question she needed the answer to. She explained how she noticed the clouds were always draped around the peaks when the trees turned colors and the days grew short. The ram sat back and listened intently as the child told him of all the things she had learned, telling him story after story.
When she finally finished, the ram told her to climb onto his back and he would take her to see. She climbed on and held tight to his giant horns and he began to climb, and climb, and climb. The child showed no fear, even though she was terrified, she wanted to be brave. As they came closer to the clouds she could see hundreds of mountain sheep huddled together around a huge lake.
The ram helped her down and took her over to the herd. She noticed that several of the sheep would grab the clouds as they drifted past. Then the rest of the herd would hold it until the cloud relented and dropped all the water they held. The water was collected in the lake at the top of the mountain. The child couldn’t believe her eyes as she watched this carefully orchestrated task.
The ram looked at the child and said, “now you see with your own eyes.”
“But why?” asked the child.
The ram began to tell the child about hunters and cars and dangers that lurked for the herd if they descended from the safety of the mountain tops. They needed to figure a way to get water so they asked the great spirit for help. He told her that one night the great spirit appeared to the herd and told them of the plan. From that day forward, mother’s never mourned the loss of their ewes and ewes were no longer left without the love of their mother. The child felt the sadness that the ram explained.
“This was a great plan,” exclaimed the child in a joyous voice. “Mothers are important,” said the child, “and being without one is hard and lonely.”
She tried to hide her tears but the old ram felt the sorrow and curled around the child and she fell into a deep sleep. When she awoke, she was lying back in her hammock at the edge of the forest. She threw her legs off the edge and sat still, gazing at the clouds clinging to the mountain tops and smiled.