A wandering mind trying to express itself. I want you to BE where I am through my words and photos.
The sound of the river rushing by in constant flow
The towering cliffs stand tall and hard against the deep blue sky
Carved by this liquid snake over eons of time
The trees stand and watch the the endless motion of this fluid architect
Gently the bubbles make their way down the current
Rocks hold to their purchase of land against the rivers flow
Others roll along without putting up a fight
My mind is sucked into the current… empty… constantly fluid… clinging to nothing
My heart has been chained
Whipped and beaten
Broken and bruised
Someone always feels
I don’t get to choose who
I can feel deeply
“But it’s not allowed”
They scream
I try not to listen
A touch
Not physical
But energy flowing
One to another
A mingling of souls
A melting of hearts
From a distance
But mingling in spirit
Wordless pause
The ache
The release
Tears
Heartbreak
Feeling strong
Yet vulnerable
And the love
Overwhelming
An awakening
Of the heart
“Birr…it’s cold”, said the small bud on the tree
“It’s as cold as cold as can be.”
Soon the warmth of the Spring sun touched the bud and it began to stretch and stretch and stretch
This warmth is lovely, thought the small bud, beginning to unfurl itself.
A warm breeze blew and the small bud felt the movement and began to giggle
As it giggled something strange happened.
The small bud, from all it’s stretching and giggling began to blossom.
First as a lovely flower…
The loveliest flower ever imagined.
Soon the flower faded and a brilliant green leaf appeared.
The leaf thought to itself…
I will grow and grow till I am so big, that everyone can see how beautiful I am.
The Summer wore on and the leaf drank in all the sun and warmth it’s beautiful little body could hold.
Through thunder storms and soft rain, it continued to exude it’s beauty to any that would look and see.
Soon the days began to grow shorter
The nights colder
The winds bitting cold
The small leaf shivered in the cold…
What is this?, it thought to itself, as it began to change into the most beautiful shade of red, along with all the other leaves on the tree
The sun no longer rose as high in the sky,
The air had the feeling of a chill settling on the land
The leaf, not aware of the closing in of winter
Dangled carelessly admiring its new transformation
One morning a cold frost fell upon the tree
The small leaf was confused by this chilly dew, unlike that of the warm Summer mornings
The sun soon burned through the mist and turned the frost crystals back to warm droplets and the leaf settled back in
The next few days the sun rose, the winds blew and the leaf swayed silently
A week later, the small leaf wondered about the sun, as it was hidden by dark heavy clouds
Small flakes of delicate design began to fall from the sky
A soft blanket of snow covered the tiny red leaf
It shivered and eventually could no longer hold onto the branch it had called home for so long
It drifted silently to the ground
It looked up at the beautiful tree it had called home
The beautiful reds laced with the falling snow was incredible
The tiny red leaf felt a sense of pride as it slowly closed its eyes and ceased to exist.
In a dream, the most intense dream I’ve had in some time, I saw Happiness and Serenity waiting at the crossroads. I walked up and questioned each.
I first questioned Happiness. How can one experience all you have to offer?
Happiness smiled and replied… First one must relinquish their clinging to the past… second one must surrender their negativity… third, one must listen to the joy that exists within, that which no one can take from you.
I pondered the advice and turned to Serenity and asked the same. How can one find serenity?
Serenity replied in a soft assuring voice… one must learn to let go of that which doesn’t serve them… to become vulnerable… one must sit with oneself and dig deep to find forgiveness.
Again, I pondered the words spoken.
I sat at the crossroad… quietly contemplating the meaning of each response to my longing for both.
Tears of anger became tears of forgiveness
Thoughts of self-destruction… became thoughts of peace and love
Feelings of helplessness and deep sadness, became feelings of joy and faith.
My mind reeled
My heart wept silently as it slowly melted
I retreated deeply
I spoke gently to the tribe
As much as I am grateful to each of you
Each of you allowed me to survive
Each of you have your place
Each of you is loved
Each of you has lived through unspeakable horrors
I am not giving up on you, I am grateful for each of you… but it is time for us all to heal
Life is too short and too precious
Today I must make a choice for all of us
Today I must begin to give up behavior that is not conducive to our health… to turn away from that which has become comfortable and take a chance
Today I must dig deep and allow myself, all of us, to become vulnerable and become brave.
To forgive those which I despise with conviction
To live in the warm glow of love and compassion
To shed the tears of cleansing.
Today I stand at the crossroad of life… my life. A choice needs to be made.
J
We decided to take this trip to Tucson…just because we’d never been there. We love the desert but Tucson just seemed like some far off retirement community. A dry desert town of little means but rich in Native American, Anglo and Mexican history. Why not?
We just got back from Nicaragua a few weeks ago and we are both already burnt out. The house we are renting has sold and we have 2 weeks to move. At this point I’m glad to be a minimalist.
We’ve submitted an application for a short term lease in a place where we can work on finishing the van and say our see ya laters and hit the road. A month or so to travel across the lower states getting used to the van and each other. This is actually where we melt together and enter into our element. Life from this point on will be fluid.
So back to Tucson, forgive my ADHD… We rented this cute 4 star eclectic hotel to camp out for the next few days. Great reviews. Earthy crunchy whole wheat little place. I admit when we first pulled in a part of me was not feeling it. I calmed down and thought how unfair that we would not even keep an open mind.
Hotel McCoy even racks my brain for appropriate words to describe it. Take it at face value, you’ll drive right on through the parking lot. Look deeper, take time to walk around…slowly. The artists that created this space left a piece of their heart behind on these walls. It speaks to the seeker in this land of saguaros and deadly critters. Grabs your mind and swirls it around leaving you spinning in your thoughts.
tonight
dream of another ‘me’
with a body of light
dancing upon its own shimmer
more nothing than something
a whiff
a murmur
a joy
a feeling
tonight
dream of another ‘me’
with a body of light
infinitely
more soul
more god
more universe
more twirl and spin and dance
tonight
dream of another ‘me’
with a body of light
a shape-shifting cloud
a water song
a flight
a waterfall leap of faith
tonight
dream of another ‘me’
with a body of light
a freedom
a driftwood surrender
a sun-earth kinship
a cosmic vastness
and be all of it instantaneously
outside the myth of time
tonight
dissolve into wakefulness
The immense energy builds
The water retreats from the beach leaving a shimmering ripple on the sand
The wave pulls up
Up and up building up a frothy top
Gravity takes control and the wave crashes
A thunderous clap as the top of the immense wave hits the calm water below
It rolls slowly to the shore loosing its energy as it passes over the sand
The calm and stillness take over
A lone surfer paddles out and meets this energy
Riding its strength and power
The sky beyond the waves is vast and encompassing
I stare into it with a deep inhalation
As I release I am pulled into the vastness of the deep blue
I enter the energy and light
As finite as the line between sea and sky is
I transcend into the oneness of it all
The breeze blows across my skin…hot with sun
My toes bury deep in the sand
I am connected earth, sky and water
I am the link between them all
I breathe again and slowly pull my conscious back to this moment
I can feel the interconnectedness of it all and I am one with it all and at peace
So fragile am I… I don’t even exist. I’ve fought for my being… alive, vibrant. I hold a place on this earth, a marker of an empty shell, only now willing to be… to exist. Not to defend my”self” any longer… but to recover and heal… to risk opening my heart. The small chamber that holds it safe so I thought. A Pandora’s box… a myriad of thoughts, jumbled emotions… a small girl wanting to live. Walk through this door with me, guide me, keep me safe and don’t run away when I breakdown. Just love me and tell me it will be all right… I’ll believe you… I’ve always believed someone. The path is hard… but I am harder, I’m still here aren’t I? My tears may be endless but my resolve even more. I want to believe… I want to exist and no longer defend… my “self”
21 November 2018 Bequia, West Indies
We are eight days into our vacation. Longest one in years. We’ve been bouncing around a couple Islands down here and have just jumped to the small island of Bequia. Home to only 4800 residence. There is no fresh water on the island. The residence fill tanks during the rainy season and make it last. Similar to Bermuda. Strange…but a fact of life here.
I think we finally settled in, both mentally and physically. There’s a peace and tranquility that just wraps you like a soft blanket. Your breathing slows, you start waking up at dawn… because you’ve gone to bed before 9. You are just present in the moment…What to do or not do next? I feel like the days have finally slowed down. We take time to watch the sunsets, take a nap or just kick back and chill.
The Sweet Retreat: perched high up on the side of the hill. Built going straight up just like all the pieces of land here. It’s a gayly colored home three stories tall. There are many rooms, studios and suites. I love the layout of out little room. Outside there’s a full moon and all the night peepers are singing loudly. The anoles that sneak into your room and sing like a spastic smoke detector that the battery is dying on, you can never find the damn thing. The ceiling fan creeks as it spins around on its rusting components. The island breezes rustling through the trees and the passing rain showers. Finally the sound of the waves on the beach below and the faint music of the bars floating on the island breezes tops off the symphony.
The song of the Islands…
Part One
It has been nearly 3 months since I got sick. The last three months have found me working on my recovery and my well being on a daily basis. It took nearly 2 months this for me to regain my balance, my voice and my energy. I feel much more alive than I did before my illness. Much more at peace and much more grounded. Now it’s time for a much needed vacation. So off to the islands we go. First a few days in St Lucia to settle in and settle down. It’s said that it takes four days to relax, turn off and unwind. I guess that means my vacation can start today!
We left home four days ago. Chris did her best to stock up the store with great inventory. I made sure the house was properly prepared for a long time away. We made sure our guys were up to speed and had everything they needed to succeeded. What was left was only the unknown. It was time to go to catch our flight and start our adventure.
We chose to take the late afternoon flight than a stay over night in Atlanta before catching our flight to St Lucia, West Indies. Leaving a cold, wet climate to a warm, humid one will be a welcome relief. Enjoying the last of our “known” creature comforts to the unknowns of the Islands.
Two Travelin' Chicas... 